Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The stress of moving.

I went into visit my friends where I worked before I retired.  I knew today, or more so, this week was probably the last time I would have the ability to visit my old office.  The next few weeks will be filled with the rush of moving preps and packing.  My wife is doing a stellar job of getting our financial affairs in order for the move.  I am taking care of the few items in the apartment that I have to take down, patch, or remove.  Actually, I don't have much to do.  That's good, because I don't think I can do much.  I am increasingly overwhelmed with this move.  Yes, I know it is good for us.  And, yes, I think it will be good for me once we are settled.  However, I am very concerned how this move, the uprooting of me from my routine, will effect the progression of my disease.  Do I think we should not move to Florida?  No, since I think it is good for the entire family.  But, everyone involved needs to know and understand the stress this brings on me.  I will have NO ROUTINE!  Nothing will be as it was!  My friends, doctors, stores, locations of everything in the home and out, will be unknown to me.  My best friends have been close to me for over 30 years!  Now they will be 900 miles away!  I am unnerved and this is the first time I have acknowledged this.

Some of my friends at work voiced their concern for my well being but even they agreed that this was a good move.  Again, I know we are moving for all the right, sensible, reasons.  And I cherish the idea of being close to my son and his family.  I know Linda and I will receive abundant love and support from them.  But, there is still the real issue of how this will effect me, for the short and long term.  I know Linda knows this and has considered it in the move planning.  I also know she will carry a tremendous amount of personal stress and worry over my well being.  This also concerns me.

Another fact to discuss is, as I write this, I am very connected and rational.  However, I have had increasing bouts of decreased rationality and connection to the present.  Even today, during my visit to work, I found myself drifting off into a disconnected state.  It seems the present that surrounds me fades away and I am left in a disconnected no where.  I have often described this as the feeling you get as you get increasingly drunk.  I was a quiet, solemn, drunk.  Very few fights, just a mellow, retraction, from the world around me.  That is exactly how I feel during these times.   I loose track of where I am, what time or even what day it is.  Familiar people become strangers to me.  This sensation or state of mind seems to be increasing in frequency and length.  Again, much like my hallucinations, it does not frighten me, I just find it interesting.    

So, as this move progresses, and I again must tell everyone, i support this move, regardless of the effect on me, I will be interested in how it effects me and how I react to the changes.  More to come.

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