Friday, July 8, 2011

Overflowing ANGER!!!!!

Today was a busy day. I had a doctor's appointment, we had to go to the Drug store to print some photos to mail out, go to the post office and finally, go to the Commissary in preparation for my Son and his family's arrival.  Oh, we had to go to the Credit union also.  In any case, buy the time we got home, I was at my mental end.  That happens to me and it is part of my disease. But it still surprises me and today, it manifested itself in ways I have not seen since I was diagnosed.  Let me continue to explain.

We pulled into our peaceful apartment complex and I parked the car.  Went to the garage and retrieved the cart I use to bring the groceries up to our third floor apartment.  It is easy because there is an elevator that always works.  Well, almost.  Linda pushed the button and no elevator.  She walked to the second floor and the new people moving into a second floor apartment had the elevator blocked with furniture and boxes, and were using the elevator as a staging area for their move.  They were in no hurry to unload the elevator.  They told me it was THEIRS!  That's when the overflow of ANGER occurred.  Now normally, for many years, I have been able to control my rage and use it to my advantage.  But today, when they treated me as they did, my anger overcame my ability to control it and the old Master Chief came out in spades!!!  I spared no profanity, volume, or vibrato to tell people that the elevator was not theirs.  Then I stormed over to the complex manager's office and gave her and her staff a wire brushing the likes of which they have never seen before and likely will never see again!  If I was in uniform, people would have applauded.  But, I am retired and those sorts of outbursts are frowned upon.  Looking at this paragraph, maybe I am still a little emotional about this event.  You think!

I should have not exploded like I did and I owe a large group of people an apology.  Yes, I have already started, thank you very much!  But what startled my wife and myself is the speed at which I spun up and the level of anger I exhibited.  I was ready to fight!!  And fight to the death!  I was mad with anger and I have not been that way for 25 years or so.  I actually saw red before my vision narrowed down to the grey of combat.  That myopic, single minded, tunnel vision one gets in combat when you only have one thing on you mind.  Never had it?  Good for you, but I have and I don't like it anymore.   This was the first time I was out of control when awake.  Not a good sign.

So, what do we do about it?  Well, I have to realize I have limits in the things I can do in one day.  I have to realize that I do not have the coping mechanism to control my emotions fully anymore.  And I need to pray for the Holy Spirit's help in dealing with my disease.  I also need to listen to my wife's quiet, calm voice and calm down.

I am ashamed of myself!  This is not an acceptable way to act.  I should have discussed the situation with my new neighbor.  If that did not work, I should have discussed the situation with the complex manager.  Both conversations should have been civil and calm.  Not violent and at 1000 decibels!  Of course, I think the neighbor could have mitigated the situation by offering to help me carry my groceries up instead of telling me I was a cry baby.  And the apartment management could let the other residents know when they are authorizing moving in tenants to take control of the only public elevator in the building.    But that is my opinion.  Needless to say, I have a number of bridges to repair and I have started by asking GOD for his forgiveness.

This disease is beginning to take more and more control of me and I don't like it!

Post Script;  I have apologized to everyone concerned.  They were all very gracious and kind to me.  I did not tell them about my disease because I do not want to make excuses for my terrible, unacceptable, behavior.  I was wrong and I am still ashamed of myself.

1 comment:

  1. Hey! Don't be so hard on yourself! I think your irritation was justified; and the level of anger it provoked was due to your illness. What can you do to put it right, other than apologise?

    Probably a thought for the future, once the dust has settled - but I bet for a while there you forgot you had LBD!