Saturday, May 28, 2011

Alone!

More and more, I want to be alone!  Some of you say it is because I am depressed.  I do not agree.  The psychiatrist I saw last week had the same opinion, but I still disagree.  He is wrong, I am not depressed.  I do not want to harm myself.  I do not feel worthless.  I just feel safe, unthreatened, comfortable, in my familiar surroundings.  I know where things are, I can control access to my world, I don't have to meet other people's standards of dress, grooming, chatter.  I can play solitaire on my computer and retreat into a safe cocoon.

I will admit I have lost my desire to be in crowds, to be social, to do things, but I am not depressed.  When I want company, I go out.  Shopping, walking, to dinner, whatever.  I enjoy canoeing with my Wife.  I enjoy walking in the quiet of the morning or evening.  I enjoy being alone with my thoughts and my memories.   Please don't try to label my actions or try to analyze me.  Look at WEBMD.  This IS Lewy Body Dementia.  In the beginning of my struggle, I was more able to be the way I was.  Then for a season, I tried to be the way that I was.  Now, I have quit trying.  I am what I am, as Popeye said.  I believe he was right!  Or, as a friend who is the In Service Engineering Agent for the diesels on the MCM class mine Sweepers says;  "It is what it is."  Those are both good descriptions of how I am doing right now.

1 comment:

  1. I am very grateful you wrote this.
    I say the same thing to Hubby's Dr and Hubby will say he isn't depressed when asked, yet due to the lack of interest in outside activities, the Dr insists he is. I think the Dr is coming around though ;-)

    We agree, It is what it is and we make the best of it.
    Thank you for sharing your insight :)

    ReplyDelete