Friday, March 18, 2011

Victims

One of the attitudes that I notice in individuals experiencing my medical difficulties or other medical maladies is the attitude of VICTIMIZATION. Many of these individuals seem to feel that they are victims of their disease. As if "IT" sought them out personally, to ruin their lives and make them miserable. I have also noticed that many of these individuals have been victims of someone else's mistreatment, meanness, prejudice, and wrath their entire lives. They seem to be professional, life long victims. I have heard 60+ year old people whine about how their parents mistreated them, how employers discriminated against them because of a previous medical or personality disorder, and how the world of successful people had conspired to make them miserable throughout their lives.

Frankly, I have had enough of this self-pity and encourage all of these folks to GROW UP and get over it! None of our parents were perfect. There is no "Owner's Manual" for raising children. They did the best they could, and if they were not "Ozzie and Harriett", tough, neither were mine. Second, I believe we make our own "Lot" in life. Maybe you were born into a "poor" situation, that was 40, 50, 60+ years ago. What did you do to improve your life? Forget about the past, it is exactly that, PAST. Third, you disease did not seek you out. It just happened. Maybe because of genetics, environment, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, or bad luck. But, YOU make your own environment. Deal with your medical issues as best you can and look for the bright spots. Just because we have a medical condition does not mean we cannot have an enjoyable, full life. But, acting like a victim and believing that you are WILL insure that you are miserable and in turn, will make everyone miserable around you. I know many individuals that live in my complex that have life much worse than I do, and they are happy, vibrant, individuals with a zest for life!

For just once, in your life, try to look at the bright side! Quit blaming someone else and take charge of your own life's circumstances. When you are so glum and negative, you make everyone else unhappy as well as yourselves. Did you ever wonder why no one comes to visit you or wants to be around you? It's you self pity and your victimization attitude. Get over it, for you sake and mine!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Fear!

As many of you know, I am a career Navy enlisted man who was brought up in the Navy, in the 1960's and 70s. I was in a career field that was dangerous and where fear was a definite weakness that could and would be exploited. Therefore, I learned to suppress fear to the point of non-existence. Yes, there are things that I feared. But, I killed them if I could or avoided them all together. Like snakes, spiders, and scorpions. I have been a self-assured, aggressive, loud, take charge person for all of my adult life. On my other Blog, I discuss some of the events in my Navy career that shaped me and the men who had great influence on me. So, I won't retrace those events here.

However, as my disease progresses, I am becoming more and more afraid. I am easily startled. To make matters worse, I have, and have had for quite some time, hallucinations that are increasing in frequency and realism. My visual hallucinations have progressed from small creatures running across the floor to people. I have even seen "something" speed by me while stopped at a stop light at an intersection. There was nothing, I know that, but I also know what I saw. I continue to feel someone touching me, and of course, there is no one there. Many times I hear voices, that are not there. If I am with someone, like my wife, I can talk to that person and my fears are relieved. Today, while my wife was at a Bible study and I was alone at home, I heard my wife's voice talking and the front door rattling. I was in the office and I knew she was not due home yet. She is always careful to let me know where she will be and when she will be home. This helps me and she knows it. In any case, today's auditory hallucination scared me! My heart was racing and my "Fight of Flight" reflexes were at peak alert. It took me until my wife came home to calm down. Rationally, after the first 5 minutes, I knew it was a hallucination, but that did not help me calm down. I told my wife upon her arrival home, and I felt better. But now, I am worried that soon,I may not be able to stay home alone, or go out alone on my own! This upsets me for the obvious reasons. I have been an independent, action oriented, combat ready sailor for a long time, and the thought, the reality, of that going away is daunting and depressing to me.

The person I was, is dying, and I don't like it.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

New medical choices

I have written a few time about my frustrations with my Neurologist and the 13 year old neurologist at UVA. My last appointment with my neurologist frustrated me to the point, that I have finally decided to change neurologists. Remember, if you will, that I really like my GP. He is pro-active, caring, and can communicate! He is a real find and I have been with him for 15 years. In any case, I have been looking for a new doctor to treat my Lewy Body Dementia and I think I have found the perfect one! His prices are acceptable to my insurance company, he has very good office hours and makes house calls! I can tell he thinks more about his patients than himself because of his attire and modes of transportation. He is a happily married man, a parent, and a teacher on the side. He shares interests with me, outdoor sports, re-enacting, fire arms, knives, horse back riding, and archery. He is all American and can trace his family roots back to the beginning of this continent. Yes, I believe I have found the perfect doctor to help me deal with my LBD.

Oh, you want his name, and where he studied medicine. The second does not seem to be too important to success since the last two neurologists I saw had degrees from the Ivy League medical schools and had the caring attitude of a female Preying Mantis. Just the same, His name is Chief Falling Rain. He was educated by his father who was also a medicine man in the Lakota tribe of the Sioux Nation. As a matter of fact, most of his descendants have been in the medical field. So he has a wealth of experience at his disposal. He is caring, does not tell me I am faking my illness, and offers constructive ways to deal with my issues. Yesterday I spent eight hours in a sweat lodge to cleanse my body and spirit. I am loosing weight, my acne has cleared up, and I thing my bald spot is starting to fill in! Yes, I think this is going to work!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Doctors make me angry!

OK, maybe the title should be; Everyone, everything, makes me angry! At least that is where I have been the last number of days, weeks, months, I can't remember. In any case, we went to see my Neurologist yesterday. It was my usual, planned, every four months visit. The same inane questions, the same motor skills test, the same stuff! When I ask questions about my progress, the future, I don't get a straight answer. I realize she is a busy doctor, but those 30 minutes are mine. My insurance and my money paid for them. I should expect reasonable attention and service, right? It may be me, but I get the feeling that every time I go to see her, I have to prove that I am afflicted with this disease that she and another doctor, along with two PHD Psychologists, told me I have and prescribed tons of medicine for. Not to mention that this Neurologist filled out forms and a letter that got me a disability retirement from the Federal Office of Personnel Management, (OPM) and the Social Security Administration, on the first application!.. No lawyers, no appeals, no delays! So why do I have to prove that I am sick every four months!! I am so depressed and upset over this that I am seriously thinking about stopping all of my medications and letting the cards fall where they may. Last month, or the month before, there was a problem with the pharmacy and I was without my Arecept, (actually Razadyne, but most of you don't recognize that name) for four days and my wife and I noticed a decline in my cognitive abilities! So, if I quit taking ALL of them for the next four months, she should have no problem recognizing that I have a problem, that SHE diagnosed! Of course, I will be drooling on my shirt, pissing in my pants, and unable to respond to simple commands! But, maybe that's what she wants. In any case, as I said earlier, I am angry and searching for a way to deal with that anger. Quitting seems to be my only recourse!