Monday, January 17, 2011

Nights, my new found terror!

The title is not overstated. I find nights terrifying. I seem to feel pretty good during the day. I am on an even keel, emotionally. And, even when I have memory issues, which is more often than not, I can laugh at them and not be too bothered. When I loose my balance , for no reason, I can laugh and say; "The room moved" as if I was still on a ship and we were at sea. But, when the sun goes down, my mood turns very dark. I am frustrated and angry at everything. Noise sends me into a rage that I can presently keep internal most of the time. Little things become insurmountable. I have difficulty concentrating on anything for any period of time. That does fit with today's television shows; i.e. 5 minutes of content followed by 4 minutes of inane commercials. (Sorry for the editorial comment.) Relationships are difficult and I am convinced that most people are out to get me. No, I am not overstating the facts. As a matter of fact, I may be understating them. And to top it off, if I do go to bed, I know if I sleep, I will dream and that most of my dreams are violent and frightening. Last night, I went to bed, angry and I worked myself into a fit of rage that I knew would lead to horrific dreams. So, I got up and occupied myself with the computer playing Free Cell and Solitaire and reading and rereading the sites I look at. I even got on the Alzheimer's Association web site and entered their area to post things, looking for help. That did not work either. So, as usual, I stayed up until I was dead tired. Then I went to bed and passed out. Last night, my faithful miniature poodle, Marcel, would not even stay up with me. So, I was all alone, in my rage. What was I angry at? It does not matter. Will it happen again? Yes, I am certain. And before you ask, Yes, my neurologist and GP know of this problem and the neurologist has prescribed some drugs. Actually we are on the second attempt at solving this problem with pharmaceuticals, with little or no help. I have even thought about drinking myself into a stupor every night. But then, I will feel bad in the morning too! So that's not a viable option. What to do? I am at a loss. I have an upcoming neurologist appointment and we will discuss this then. Until then, I will be up, and angry or sad, or some other negative emotion, until all hours of the night.

P.S. I made a spelling error that I noticed after I posted this. That little mistake sent me into a rage of self hatred. I need to find a way to deal with this.

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