Sunday, January 9, 2011

Dealing with what's happening with me.

I am sorry that I have not posted on this blog in a while. While I could offer many excuses, the fact is, I have found it difficult to put my feelings into words. As many of you know, I have been writing on my other blog, "The Master Chief's Lair" and I find that forum an escape from the progression of my condition. Additionally, when I write in "The Master Chief's Lair" I feel like I am still on active duty, still the Master Chief, and still pertinent to the Navy. Yes, I have wanted to escape from thinking about how things are progressing. Also, I find myself confused about what I have, how it came to be, and what the future holds. Let me explain some of that. Recently, an acquaintance of my wife and mine has put us in contact with the Alzheimer's Association. They were looking for some volunteers with dementia or related issues to participate in a study. Linda and I are both open to being participants in studies in the hope that we may help someone else. The Alzheimer's Association believes, and their research backs this up, that dementia is the symptom of Alzheimer's. So, my question is, do I have Lewy Body Dementia or Alzheimer's? That may be a fine line to you, but it is something I want to know. The old Gunner's Mate in me always wanted to know what was the root cause of the failure of the gun system. Why, so I could prevent it from happening again, or at least, so I could fix it when it did happen again. It seems medicine is not like that. So, that is a frustration, and ALL frustrations are magnified for me because of my disease.
That brings me to another issue. I am becoming more and more paranoid. I feel that people are following me or spying on me. I have extreme difficulty trusting anyone except my wife and my closest friend. My sleep patterns are terrible even though we have doubled up on the "Don't Beat Linda Up" medicine at night. Yes, that was done with my neurologists direction. My dreams remain about my days in the Navy. While they are a comfort to me sometimes, they mostly are situations that cause me anguish and confusion. My attention span has decreased, my short term memory is limited to hours. Today in Church, a friend asked me how my week was, and I replied; OK, as much as I remember, and I was not fooling. He apologized for not coming over to help us with exercises last week, and I really did not remember that he had planned to. The bottom line is, whatever I have is getting worse, and my isolation within myself, is increasing. I have little interest in being with people, or doing anything. Conversations are limited, because I just don't have anything to say. I live, in my mind, in memories and stories about the past. Right now, I can see myself doing this, I am afraid that soon, I will not realize this fact and I will slip away into the past as I saw Linda's Dad do so may years ago.
While it does me good to write about this, it also brings it to the forefront and upsets me. But, never fear I will continue to write, until I can't.

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