Friday, October 1, 2010

Life, a progression..

I have dedicated both of my Blogs to expressing what is in my heart, what has happened in my life that was important to me, and my expressions of the people in my life that really matter to me. When I was 15, I never thought I would live to be 21. I was wild and crazy, out of control. I have written about the trouble I got myself in in my Navy Blog. That trouble lead to a wonderful Navy career of 40 years. When I was 30, I never thought I would see 40. I did,. After 40, I thought I would live forever, I will not. That's not a news flash to me, I always knew there would be an end. And, for a long time, I have not feared death. Working in gun mounts and with explosives in the Navy, I was always a half step away from death's door. My combat missions always put me on the knife edge of life and death. I was OK with that, I actually embraced it. That emotional high made me feel "Alive" and I liked it!

Now, at 59, almost 60, I am facing my own demise from an enemy that I cannot combat. I have no defense, not pistol to return fire, no maneuver that will enable me to safely run away to fight another day. This is "IT". I have written before that I consider this disease a "blessing" because I can concentrate on life, my relationships, and enjoying my final days. I still feel that way, but, as things progress, I feel increasingly helpless in dealing with my disease. I cannot even effectively manage my own medications anymore. My memory skills just cannot handle that simple task. Thank goodness the Pharmacist that helps me knows what I am going through. Otherwise, he would probably turn me in for selling prescription drugs on the market! Again today, I walked up to the Farm Fresh Pharmacy counter and asked for my refills. He gently told me that he filled them last week. I left perplexed and went home to discover what I did with those pill bottles this time! I found them and in doing so, came to the realization that I cannot take care of myself anymore. That realization hurts more than anything else. I am now dependent on someone else for my second most basic needs. Yes, I can still go to the bathroom on my own, but that will change too. Oh I hope that takes a long time! Maybe my memory will fail totally before I need that help.

I am increasingly despondent and depressed, unable to sleep through the night, disoriented in my own home, and angry at the entire situation. Rationally, I know this is a normal phase of my malaise. Emotionally, I am a wreck. And this is still the first half! Much like a Redskin's game, I am NOT looking forward to the second half!

Again, I am not looking for sympathy, I am reporting, for any one's benefit who is interested, what I am going through and what I am feeling. Jerry and I are still going out and doing fun things. we went bowling this week and I had a great time. Of course, I had to use a 13 pound ball instead of a 16 pounder, and I could not do a three step approach for fear that I would fall, but I still broke 100 each game! Not Dick Weber or Earl Anthony level, but not bad for not bowling for a few years. One of these days, I am going roller skating again! My neurologist says that is a core memory for me since I started skating at 3 and skated competitively until I joined the navy. We will see if she is right! I will keep you posted.