Monday, May 31, 2010

Truth, from friends.

After my last post, someone commented that I was independent and hard headed, or words to that effect. They also commented that that was typical for Gunner's Mates. I gave those words some very serious reflection, and I have came to the conclusion, that they are right! Every successful Gunner's Mate that I ever knew was independent, decisive, hard headed, and would not give up or let anyone help him. In a combat situation, or just leading men in gunnery exercises, small arms training, magazine safety, ammunition handling, line handling, underway replenishment, any dangerous situation, that head Strong determination is a good thing to have. When I was the leading Gunner's Mate in any situation, from the time I was a GMG3, there was not doubt about who was in charge!

Now, however, it is becoming painfully obvious that I am not in total command of what is happening. My body moves where IT wants to, all too many times. My mind can't recall those facts that I used to be so quick with, like what day it is or where I am. And sometimes, my body forgets that I am not sitting on the toilet. A new surprise that this challenge has provided me in recent weeks. My reaction to all of these changes, up to this time has been to, in my own way, deny that I am having these problems, put on a front, live in "Show Time" as I have discussed before. This actually has caused me more frustration than the disease itself. For every one's sake, I try to be "Normal".

Well, I am not "Normal", I am me, and this is where I am at this time. So, from this point on, I am not going to be so independent and hard headed. I am going to let people help me more. I am going to let you see what is really happening. My wife knows, for the most part, but I even shield her from some things. But not anymore. I believe it is time to be honest and open about everything that is going on. Those of you who read my blog often are probably saying, how much more honest and open can he be? The issue is not with what I tell you, it is with what I let people see. I was on that ladder, with a big reciprocating saw because for me not to be on the ladder would make me admit I was not the man I used to be. For someone who believes in "Macho", that's a hard step to take. In my demented mind, I'm still the same tough, gristly, salty, Gunner's Mate I was at 20. I still think I can kick some one's but! Boy is that a fantasy.

So, from now on, I promise to be more honest and open with myself, and those around me. I'm not going to give up, I'm just going to scale back, based on the progression of what ever they finally decide I have. And to the person who provided me that feedback and insight, thanks!! I needed it and I know it was offered in love and care.

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