Monday, January 15, 2018

People I would like to punch in the nose!

See, I told you my LBD was getting worse!!  I am actually writing about how difficult my anger issues are getting.  However, people that tell me I am not sick, or a Doctor I go to Church with who says he does not see any LBD symptoms in me, need a punch in the nose!!   For instance, read the symptoms listing from Dr. Galvin or from LBDA.org and then look at me with your eyes open, and yo will not make stupid statements.  But, as I have said before, there are few if any competent Doctors in Pensacola!!   And any Doctor that made a career of the Military was NOT a good Medical Practitioner.   Trust me, I knew many doctors and dentists in the Navy and the good ones got out when their school loans were paid back.  Why, because after pay grade O-3, they are administrators and not practicing, hands on, doctors.   And the quack at Church retired from the Navy and went to work for the Veteran's Administration!!  And you probably know the VA is not a repository of medical professionals!!

So, since my agitation and anger issues have increased, the emotions that I fight when people treat me with such little respect really fire me up!  Will I punch someone in the nose for telling me I am not sick?  Not yet!!  And I hope I am in a higher level of care before I get to that point.

How agitation turns into an angry outburst

I think I have written about how agitated I have become.  It is normal for where I am in my LBD journey.  I have been trying to understand how these angry explosions happen and today, I cam up with a very accurate analogy.

If you ever had stomach flu, you may remember the feeling of a vomit attack approaching.  You felt that feeling begin in your stomach.  It grew in intensity, and you ran for the bathroom!  The pressure expanded and you could feel the product of your pain begin to travel up your throat.  Then BANG!!    Vomit everywhere!!  There was nothing you could do to stop the deluge!   Them thankfully it was over.  But your throat burned, and you felt even worse than you did before your threw up.

That is how my agitation turns into an angry explosion.  I feel the anger begging to expand and as it expands I know what is going to happen, but I cannot stop it or control it!  Then BANG!!  I have said things I did not want to say, offended anyone in hearing distance, and I feel worse that I did before it began.

Now you know.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

What is REAL and what is NOT?

I have been having thoughts and dreams that start out as random and then become real, and then I become obsessed with them and have to flesh them out!!  Some times, I am able to determine the issue I am tracking down is no more than a thought or a dream that I had and it is not real.  But, that realization is coming much slower now.  I have had this issue for a while but it is becoming more intense and more real to me.  I know I am sliding down the path of LBD, faster and faster.  But things like this are beginning to frighten me.  There are a number of "What If" issues that bother me about these thoughts and dreams that become "real" to me.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Family and Friends Frustrations

I remember very vividly, when my Mom was about to die.   My Dad would say; "If she would just get up and walk around the block, she would be OK!"  Of course, the cancer and the ravages of the Chemo and Radiation therapy of the 1970's were invisible to him and us.  But Dad saw her as he wanted to see her,  He wanted her to get better and get back to a "normal" life.  Of course, that was not going to happen.

Today, my Wife, Son, and many friends and acquaintances treat me the same way.  Now, I am not addressing the MORONS that say I am not sick!  Including an supposed MD I go to Church with.  No, I am addressing people that see something is wrong but they want me to be as I was.  So they treat me as if nothing is wrong, expecting that to make me better!  That is a noble attitude, not giving into a disease.  But it is also very frustrating and maddening to me!

Another frustrating issues is when people that KNOW I am NOT doing WELL continue to do things that aggravate me even after I have told them numerous times, that action or habit DOES AGGRAVATE ME!!  Get a CLUE, would you!!   I will give you an example and I admit it is a silly issue but it drives me up the wall.   Every time I get woke up, by the dog, the alarm, or just wake up, and my wife is still in bed, the first thing she asks me is; "What time is it?"  First of all is, we do not have a lighted clock in our room because she demands total darkness,  Second of all,  how the Hell do I now!??  I am in the same dark room you are!!!  Third of all, What difference does it make?!!   I have addressed this issue a number of times, to no avail.

Look, I am not going to get better, I am getting worse if you would just look and see.  All of your trying to make me better just makes me worse by aggravating me.  And while I am complaining, no.  never mind.

The bottom line is;  Running around the block will not make me as I once was.  Those days are gone.


Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Progress update

Yes, almost every post I write is an update on how I am doing.  But, I have become involved in a Facebook page sponsored by LBDA.Org where I have posted some issues I have not addressed here.  The Facebook page is a closed group for LBD patients and their caregivers.  It is very informative and very helpful because I can get replies from someone going through what I am.  But, I also want to keep those of you who don't do Facebook up to date.

My LBD journey was fairly gentle up to now.  Yes, there have been some downturns that caused me issues, but I have always been able to adjust to the "New Normal"; until now.  Recent issues with angry, emotional, uncontrollable, outbursts have left me wondering about the next "Act" of LBD.

Twice, in the last month or so I have blown up over seemingly minor issues.  Today was the day we planned to take down the Christmas Tree in our Lobby.  The storage boxes were supposed to be there, magically appearing from some hidden storage area.  But, they were not there at the planned time.  I went looking for someone to tell me where the magical boxes were.  No luck.  My Wife is a bull dog when it comes to things like this and everything MUST be done on time, in a controlled, precise, manner that she directs.  So, it became my responsibility to locate the magical boxes.  A long time resident knew where the boxes were stored but she did not know where the keys were.  So, she and I went to the basement and found the secret storage area.  The lock was OPEN!!  So, we retrieved the boxes and headed to the elevator back to the first floor lobby.  This is where things got bad.  There is one elevator that goes to the basement.  Two others that go from the first floor to the sixth floor.  It seems today, the elevator that goes from the basement to the sixth floor was commandeered by morons!!  One of them was a person, living in Independent Living that should be in skilled care because that individual cannot walk, move without an electric chair, or reach the elevator buttons.  And this invalid lives on the sixth floor!!  I can't wait for the fire!!  In any case, this moron took the elevator to the basement to get some one to push floor SIX for him!!!  In any case, we waited 20 minutes for the elevator to get the boxes to the first floor lobby to take down a Christmas tree!!!  By the time I got the boxes to the Lobby I was EXPLODING!!!!!

My wife, who knows me and what I am going through, gently directed me to our apartment to cool down.   She really handled me very well and I appreciate her because she save me from further embarrassment.  You see, the "Landed Gentry Elite than live here do not know about Lewy Body Dementia, so, I obviously do not have it and I am a liar!!  And since I was ranting and raving like a lunatic, throwing my cane across the lobby, I ended saving from myself!

It makes sense to note here that recently, I have been thinking I did not need , note did I want, to move to Assisted Living.  After my blow up, I thought;  I really drove a nail in my Assisted Living coffin!!

In any case, things are getting worse for me and I am having great difficulty dealing with this recent massive downturn.  LBD has finally thrown me a pitch I cannot hit.  I give up!!  I realize I need to be in the quiet, controlled environment of Assisted Living.  I cannot deal with people and all of their issues, agendas, ignorance, and opinions.  I am finally in total control of LBD.

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Who gets Lewy Body Dementia

I have written this Blog for quite a while and had many replies from you who read my mental wanderings.  I have also read a number of articles on LBDA.Org and some other sources and my unscientific research alone with my own experiences with LBD draw a fairly interesting picture of "Who Gets LBD".

1.  Almost every person who writes about their LBD experience was well educated, intelligent, and accomplished.

2.  Almost every person I have been able to read about was in a very high pressure career and was very successful.

3.  Every person I have learned about had a "Type A" personality.

An other interesting indicator I see is that in all of the cases I can site, the individual impacted by LBD had early, then unexplained, symptoms that were completely out of character for them.  Many of these symptoms occurs 8-10 years before the individual was diagnosed with any neurological issues!!

I am sure the researchers already know al of this.  But, I just put to together and I thought you might find it interesting.

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

The move to Assisted Living

Strange as this will seem, I cannot settle on a decision to move to Assisted Living!  I know I have written before about my desires to move to AL, but the act of actually making a decision is more than I can do.  Actually, any decision is very difficult for me.  Normally, I don't have to make any decisions.  I don't run the budget, purchases, driving, home maintenance, meal preps, nothing!!  Then there is the execution of the decision.  That may be the hardest, most difficult part of the process.  for instance, I want something that I find on the Internet.  I save it, decide I want it, and then vacillate on buying it, not even telling my Wife I am interested in the item.  The, I don't make the purchase and feel deprived because I didn't!  Does not should logical or even psychologically sound for a 66 yea role person.  But that is how my brain works thanks to LBD.  Before, I made life and death decisions in Navy Gun Mounts while firing life ammunition in Combat!!  I would not want to try that today.

So, my wife is going to just have to make this decision.  The Doctor has already said she thought it was time.  We will see.