Thursday, July 28, 2016

Anger and frustration issues

I wish that I could vent off my anger and frustration.  I am presently angry over a number of issues and this, coupled with the impact of the trip, have placed me in an emotionally compromised condition. That is a nice way of saying I am angry as hell, on the verge of crying, and unable to deal with anything confronting me.  I want to scream, cry, and run away.

The issues are only important to me, the effect of those issues on me impacts my Wife as well as me.  I hope this will run it's course, soon.


Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Long Term Care insurance premium EXPLOSION!!

We received a letter from John Hancock Insurance, the company that OPM uses to run out Long Term Care Insurance.  We have had this policy for 15 years.  In November, our premiums will increase almost $200 per month!!  In my case, it goes from $123/month to $308/month.  My Wife's increase is similar!!

We have note received a COLA in three years.  Our Taxes have cost of living have increased due to fuel and food costs.  So, since we have been retired, our income has declined every year.  Now, this big hit!

I thought the idea of purchasing Long Term Care Insurance when we were younger, was that we paid less for a longer period.  Like life insurance.  But, it seems, the rules have changed.  I believe the Socialist Government's idea is to have all of us dependent on welfare!  Then that can tell us what to do.

I am beside myself with anger and confusion.

Caregiver coping

When I have taken a turn for the worse, or my symptoms have become more apparent, I have noticed my Wife busies Herself with a long, drawn out project.  This busyness diverts her attention from me and my condition to what ever the new or old project, that just has to be done, catches her attention.  Right now, it is her family mementos cook book.

Oh well, it keeps her mind off of a difficult situation.  Whatever works.

Monday, July 25, 2016

Recovering from the trip

Today is the second day home from our 3000 mile trip.  And, we had to deal with my long time miniature poodle, Marcel's, illness.  He has been sleeping and disinterested in food or anything else.  He is uneven on his feet and looks bad.  We went to the Vet today and found out his Heart Murmur is worse and he was dehydrated.  We got some new heart medicines and a saline IV.  He is resting well and was even able to walk some of the distance from the car.  Just the same, the Vet was honest in her assessment that Marcel has serious heart issues that will not get better.

Both Linda and I are upset about his condition.   He has been our friend and companion for over 11 years.  But, his end will come soon and I will be depressed.

Then there was the television issue.  It would not work!  No signal.  The telephone assist did not help so we got an insight tech assist.  That resolved the issue, except my external sound system.  So, I am on television speakers since I cannot figure it out!     Heck, I cannot figure out how to zip my zipper half the time.

My condition has been negatively impacted by Marcel's condition and the stress of the trip.  Everything is foggy and disconnected for me.  I do not want to be around people because if I am, I have to try to "be normal" and I just do not have the desire or ability to "be normal".  Will this get better?  Honestly, I do not know.  Furthermore, I really and truly do not care!!

So, that is where I am at this time.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

A step too far

My Wife and I have just returned from a two week, automobile trip, to see the Ark, my sister in Cleveland, and my Wife's 95 year old cousin in Iowa.  To say that almost 3000 miles in the car was tiring would be an understatement.  But keeping myself in a near constant state of "Showtime" was far more demanding and is taking a far greater toll on my mental and physical state.

The "Ark" is a fabulous reproduction of Noah's Ark.  It just opened 7 July and it is still a work in progress.  But the "Ark" is complete and mesmerizing.

From there, we drove to Cleveland, a 4 hour drive up Interstate 71.  When we got to my Sister's home, she was not there and was not answering her cell phone.   As w looked around her home for a clue, the Landlord came out and told us she was in the Hospital.  She got sick at a restaurant the frequent and was taken to the Hospital.  She and her older Son thought it was he "sugar" but it turned out to be a bad, newly found, case of colitis.  She stayed in the Hospital for all of our visit and a total of a week!  She is now home, with visiting nurses and home rehab.   We did have a good time with my Nephew and his wife.  It was great to catch up with them.

So, we left for Iowa, a two day drive across Interstate 80.  At this point, I should tell you, my Wife did all the driving!!    Her Second Cousin knew he Father when he came to America from Germany in 1927.  He worked on her Father's farm and then joined the U.S. Army.  This Cousin is 95, till lives alone, independently, with some great help from her neighbors, but cooks, cleans, shops, and goes to Church every week!!  Some of the other cousins came over on Wednesday and we had a good time.  But, during these times like in Cleveland and in Iowa, I was constantly trying to be "Normal".  On the last day in Iowa, I was all out of "Normal" and became very abrupt, grouchy, and hard to deal with.  Friday morning, a day early, we headed home, a three day trip!

This entire trip started as a trip to the "Ark".but grew because, as long as we are there, we should visit my Sister and then the Cousin.  We both knew this would be a step too far, but we had to do it.  Both of the relatives we visited we had not seen in 2 years and they are in no shape to travel.  So, we tried it.  And now, for the rest of the story.

I am beat.  I am disoriented. I am angry and frustrated.  I am having great difficulty controlling my emotions.  My mental capabilities seem to be not working too well.  I cannot find the right words, but the most entertaining part is how my depth perception is effected.  Every time a car got close to us I screamed, squirmed in my seat, told Linda to "look out", and in general, I was very uncomfortable.  As for my wife, she thinks I am a bad passenger!!  She's right.

Another issues in my 13 year old poodle, Marcel, is very upset over me being gone.  He is moping, won't eat, and is depressed!  Believe it or not, his coat is not entirely gray!!  I did not expect this impact on him.  The 15 year old female, Cherie, is doing well, but Marcel is a basket case and I am worried I may loose him.  I am actually forcing him to sit with me instead of in his dog bed.

All in all, I wish I had not made the trip.  It was way too much for me.  And it has been stressful for my Wife.  Let alone the fact that she is waiting for the other shore to drop with me.  She is watching how I react, and how I recover from the trip.   Again, I should never have made this trip.  We should have gone to the "Ark" and back.  Or maybe, no trip at all.    

I think, no, I know, this will be my last trip.  We saw, while they are still alive, two relatives that are precious too us.  The reality is, I cannot travel and return the same as I was when I left.   That is the reality of LBD and any other form of Dementia.  I need to be in my safety net, my cocoon, for my mental and physical well being.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

The reality of LBD verses someone's desires for my lif

People tell me;  You are doing very well and you will live another 15 or 20 years!  When I know, and anyone who understands LBD, I am not going to live 5 more years!  And your telling me I will live 20 years will not make it happen and it only angers me.

Let's look at the facts.  If I did live 10, 15, 20, more years, what mental and physical shape would I be in?  I need/require a cane to walk now.  My legs refuse to move when I first get out of a chair.  I stumble and fall.  I wet and soil myself from time to time.  I choke on saliva, food, coffee, and air!  I don't know what day it is.  I am unable to have sex.  I have no interest in anything.  So, why would I want to live 20 more years?  Just because YOU want me too?

Every night, I confess every sin I can think of.  Why, because I am not sure if I will wake in the morning.  Every night, I feel like it will be my last night!  And I am OK with that.  I have actually prayed for God to call me home, soon.   I do not look forward to fighting this fight indefinitely.

I understand the desire to have those we love with us as long as we live.  How many of us wish our Mom or Dad were still alive?  Or an older brother, a Shipmate, or a long time friend that died, too early for our planning.   But if that loved one had a terminal disease, what was their desires?  Live or die?  I miss Mom and Dad, but they had cancer and the pain and suffering were rough on them.   So, death stopped their suffering.

I am now beginning to suffer, physically and mentally.  And that is only going to increase, not decrease, no matter what your selfish, well meaning, wishes are for me.

Instead of hanging onto unrealistic desire, why not try to help me now, to enjoy the days I have.  That is the best wish I have.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

I continually learn more about LBD

Today at lunch, I choked and aspirated.  It was a minor event and I got through it.  I also had a very heavy feeling in my chest, like my esophagus was clogged.  This frightened me and I started to look for an answer.

One of the other bloggers had the answer.  In their posts, I saw the word "Dysphagia".  I did some research on that word and "Bingo"  I had the answer.  Chocking, unable to control food or saliva in my mouth, heavy feeling in my throat, aspirating, all things I have and have had for a while.  So now I know.

I have an appointment with my Neurologist sometime this summer so I will bring this up to him.   Since this is a later term LBD issue, it fits with the position my wife and I believe I am at in the progression of this disease.

This is a degenerative, neurological disease that leads to death.  I will not get better, only worse.  Everyone should know that.  I do.