Friday, July 13, 2018

Latest Neurologist visit

This week was crazy!   First, my Wife was summoned for Jury Duty.  Since we had doctor's appointments this week, this threw everything in a turmoil!  She was slated for a three week trial!  They chose 50 potential jurors for the jury of eight.  The second day, the questioning began and lasted from 8AM to 6 PM.  She was not selected, but I was very agitated because my Wife was gone and my routine was shattered.   Wednesday, my Wife had a doctor appointment and Thursday I saw my Neurologist.  So, we have been on the RUN all week!  My routine is just now getting back to normal.

Routines are so important to my stability.  We discussed this with the Neurologist and she agreed.  She actually told us we should avoid taking me away from the Azalea Trace area unless it was for a short time and well planned.  We both agreed.

She also discussed my recent issues and we all agreed I was still managing them fairly well.

Did I mention my Neurologist is VERY pregnant!!  By the next visit, the will be a new Mom!!  Her first.

We get a new bed for my Wife's apartment tomorrow, so it will be another disrupted day.  I will cope.  I always do.  But, most won't know just how hard these disrupted day are on me and for me!  Sometime, I think they really don't care.

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Happy Independence Day!!

It has been a while since I posted.  Anger, aggression, depression, and anxiety, have been my constant companions and I have had to find new ways to deal with these issues.  They are not show stoppers but learning experiences for those of us with LBD.  Instead of being negative about these issues, I am finding positive ways t deal with them.  I have done a considerable amount of Internet research from reputable sources like the National Institute or Health, LBDA.Org, Alz.Ord, and other sources like Mayo and some of the other Countries Dementia sources.  All of these organizations express the same ideas about dealing with these issues and I have adopted many of them with recent success.  Yes, I am feeling better!

What did I change?  First of all, I am staying away from loud noises, crowds, angry people, and unfamiliar settings.  I spend more time in "The Cabin".  Some of this tie is along, some is with Zeus, and some with my Wife.  She and I eat meals in the Assisted Living dinning room that is much quieter and smaller.  Sometimes we eat in Her apartment.  When we go out to shop, it is short, one stop events during the more quiet times for shopping.  I am also sticking close to my normal routine.  Routines are my friend and I am most comfortable when I am in my routine.  I limit conversations to people I know, like, and consider non-threatening!  That means people that don't call me a "Liar" when I say I have LBD!

Even Zeus is being more quiet and reserved.  Yesterday, he took a nap with me in "The Cabin".  He has never settled down when both of us were not in "The Cabin".  But yesterday he wanted to take a nap.  Another interesting Zeus issue.  He has LEAD me to "The Cabin" at least three times and wanted to go in to my room.   He know that is my quiet place and when we walk, he seems to sense I need quiet and away he goes!!

Those of us with LBD and other Dementia's can be independent.  Yes, we no longer drive, run the budget, or do many of the things we once did,  But we can control our environment to help us cope with LBD issues and that is TRUE Independence!

Monday, June 18, 2018

FEELING MISERABLE!

Agitation and anger have me feeling miserable.  The day started out OK.  Breakfast, some time with my Wife, an appointment with my Psychologist, and two shopping stops, both productive and not stressful.  We ate a light lunch and I tried to nap with my Wife in her apartment.  She sleep well.  My agitation started then.  Why?  Phone calls with no purpose that interrupted our nap, and a feeling of anger that was bubbling up in the pit of my stomach.  We went to my dinning room and had dinner.  A nice meal, but due to a planned power outage this morning, the ice cream was soft.  That does not bother me, but it bothers my Wife and that bothers me.  We then went back to her apartment, watched Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune, through the constant whining for attention from our 3 year old Chihuahua.  By 7 PM, I was ready to explode!  Now, I am back in the Cabin, pissed off, and feeling miserable.

This is a normal occurrence!  A cycle that repeats itself daily.  Why?  Maybe because I reall do not like being out of my comfort zone and that is made up of where I live.  Riding in a car is almost more than I can handle.  Things are too close and too fast for me to deal with.  Parking lots are danger zones for me.  Or, at least that is how I perceive them.

Another issues is the stress of normal, daily, life.   My Wife has had some medical tests and we are waiting the results.  It could be nothing, something minor, or something major.  That has me worried and up in the air.  She has always been the healthy one!  

I just can’t see clean air anywhere!  Just clouds, storms, and danger.  All of this weighs very heavy on me and makes me feel miserable.  Yes, I am whining.  I have a right too!

Saturday, June 9, 2018

Our Trip to Virginia Beach

Last Saturday Linda and I set out on a quickly planned trip to Virginia Beach.  I was NOT at all sure I could make the trip and you may recall I canceled last year’s attempt at the same trip.  But, Saturday morning, with Linda the sole driver, Shem Zeus the Wonder Dog and I embarked on a reunion trip that I badly needed and wanted.  However, I was not totally sure I could make the entire trip until we left Savannah on the second day of driving.

How did I do?  Well, I had a great hallucination in a traffic jam on I-95 just into Virginia.  We were dead stopped and I saw a brand new Camaro driving UP the on ramp.  It was as real as the cars around us.  There was a van coming down the on ramp into the stopped traffic and then as the van would have hit the Camaro, it disappeared!  I also had some serious anger out bursts.  The worst, that almost cost us a new passenger window happened in a gas a station as we came back into Florida.  We were maneuvering into a gas line that would matched the location of our gas filler and a woman in a Cadillac pulled in to the space we were trying to get into.  I POUNDED on the window and almost shattered it!  Linda sped out of the Gas Station because I was going to get out of the car and physically punish the driver of that Cadillac!

But, it was great to be with friends.  Al and Annette hosted us and treated us like family!  We spend time with our best friends, Jerry and Marcia and their adult children in a great period of reunion.  Al and Annette hosted a cook out for some of the folks I worked with!  That was special too.  So, the fellowship was well worth the aggravation.

I have had a “Pipe Dream” of moving back to Virginia since we moved too Pensacola.  I am emotionally empty without my Navy friends, especially Jerry and Marcia.   We looked at an over 62 apartment complex that we were familiar with.  It is beautiful and affordable, but not practical for me, now.  There are other possibilities but I realized Azalea Trace is where I will be for the rest of my life.    It is not a bad place, it s just not where I need to be emotionally.

Once I accepted that, I knew we needed to get on the road back to Florida.  I was emotionally spent, physically tired, and mentally defeated.  We are in the best place for us.  No argument.  I was the one who pushed to move here because I knew it was the best place for both of us.  I just need to make the final adjustment to my thought process and I am working on that now.

One wonderful surprise.  LInda’s birthday occurred while we were in Virginia and our SOn, James, flew in to take us out to lunch on Lnda’s birthday!  What a sweet, wonderful, loving gesture on his part!!

We got home today around noon and have made an attempt to unpack and recharge.   Believe both will take the rest of the weekend.   I am in the “Cabin” in the quiet of the evening, collecting my thoughts.  I am going to take a shower and sleep until I cannot sleep any more.  

Monday, May 28, 2018

Memorial Day

I have lost many friends and shipmates in the wars and police actions of the last 40 years or so.  Saying "Happy Memorial day" is blasphemy to me.  One of my forgotten Shipmates, GMG1 Robert "Red" Mills was killed on the USS Benjamin Stoddard, off the coast of Northern Vietnam in 1972 while the ship was in a gun battle with a NVA shore battery.  The President, a lying bastard named Johnson, who trumped up a lie called the Tonkin Gulf Resolution, sent ships north of the DMV to engage the NVA.  In any case, Red had a foul bore and HOT GUN, and in trying to get the MK 42 5"/54 Rapid Fire gun mount back in action, it exploded, killing him and three others.

He has been on my mind for quite a while and I decided to call his widow.   She remembered me! We talked last night and had a great reunion.  She made the best of his death by going to college and becoming a teacher.  She taught for 30 years and then retired!!  It did me good to talk to her and it did her good to be remembered.

Red never got any heroism awards.  His name is on the Vietnam Memorial and his widow and sons were provided for, as they should have been.  But Memorial Day is much more than picnics, and a day off to me.  It is a day to remember those who gave the ULTIMATE SACRIFICE for our freedom!

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Hallucination and anger update

Nobody who ever knew me would describe me as easy going, calm, or unemotional.  However, I could keep my cool If the situation demanded it.  After I retired from the Navy totally, I did calm down somewhat.  I have had some very emotional, violent, episodes that I am not proud of..  But, I have tried very hard, to control my temper because I knew it would get worse as the LBD progressed.  Well, the LBD has progressed and my anger, agitation, and explosive episodes have EXPLODED!!

Yesterday, the FEDEX delivery driver came speeding past the dog park doing at least 50 mph!  The campus speed limit is poster everywhere, at 15 mph,  He had just gone over a speed bump at 50 MPH!!!  I had seen his individual before and at that time, I could not chase him because I had the dog with me.  But this time, I was alone, doing some maintenance in the dog park!!!  I beat feet, cane and all, to the administration building where I knew he was going.  The landscaping person bear me ther in his small cart.  He had just nicely told the individual the speed limit was 15 and he was speeding.  Then, Lee, the landscaping person, tole toeh second in command here, who was outside of the admin building about the incident.  When I came on the scene, the FEDEX driver was getting mouthy with Lee and the manager!  I exploded!!  I told the FEDEX driver his day was about to get really bad.  Then the DIrector of Azalea Trace came on the scene and she took over.  Well, she took control of me and calmly walked me into the admin building.  She told me she would take care of the situation and I should go to my Cabin and relax.  I knew she was right and she handled me so respectfully and gently I wanted to do what she wanted.  But, I really wanted to kick that moron’s ass too.  But, I was a good boy.

These event happen more and more and I now feel I need to isolate myself from most group events.  Recently I also. Got agitated at a Town Hall meeting here.  Not a good thing.

Some of my agitation and anger is coming from the people at the Federal Long Term Insurance office that are handling my claim.   The have not paid us yet and now owe us two months,  We have had to pay Azalea Trace out of our pocket.  That cannot go on much longer.  Every time our bill gets submitted they find fault with it.  Either they are morons or Azalea Trace cannot submit a simple billing to and insurance company.  Either way, I am pissed about this issue 24/7!!

There there is the increase in hallucinations.  I saw a new Chrysler/Fiat Jeep Grand Cherokee in our drop off area when I was coming back from the dog park with Zeus yesterday.  It was a bright, clear day.  I clearly saw the Jeep, it was white, shiny , and I recognized it as one of the new residents.  But, even though I was only 50 feet from where I saw the Jeep, before we got to the Jeep it disappeared!  It did not drive off, or park in a space.  It just wasn’t there anymore!

This stuff is wearing on me!!    

Friday, May 18, 2018

FEAR!!!

Let me be truthful.  I am a lot farther into LBD than most people understand.  My wife let on in her recent post that she has seen this.  She also told me today.  I was a fearless Navy Master Chief Gunner’s Mate.  Or, at least I could control and hide my fears.  That is what bravery really is;  being able to control your fears and do what is expected of you, regardless of those inner fears.  Well, now, I cannot control my fears.  For instance, travel.  Two years ago we took a trip to the ARK in Kentucky, then to Cleveland to see my family, and then to Iowa to see Linda’s family.  All went well except our credit card got “HACKED”!!  No issue, Navy Federal handled it brilliantly.  The trip went off without an issue.

Last year we planned a trip to Virginian Beach.  I backed out!  This year, my wife is trying to get me back to Virginia Beach one more time, to see very good friends.  It will be good for me.  But, I am overwhelmed with fears that I cannot control.  First and foremost, I no longer am licensed to drive and I am a terrible passenger!  Things seem much closer to me than they actually ware and I am continually telling my wife to stop, watch out!  Or I am ducking because I am sure we are going to be hit!  And that is just on a trip to the store at the corner!  Then there is Zeus!  He does not ride well, so far.  Maybe he will settle down on the road.  Then there is the credit care issues of getting “Hacked”.  Then there is money issues.  Our Federal Long Term Insurance is being difficult so far.  Then there is where to stay with a dog, or not and the cost, and eating, and who the see, and the stress of being out of my environment.  I am overwhelmed and frightened.

LBD has made me a prisoner in my own body!  And I do not know how to deal with this issue, or even “IF” I can deal with this issue.  I never thought I would be so crippled with fear.  I remember how disoriented and frightened my Father in Law go when we took him out for a meal from his Nursing Home.  He had Alzheimer’s before all the new drugs and understanding.  I am now my Father in Law.  Disoriented, lost in my own mind, fearful, paralyzed by fright, and unable to make a decision!